We all occasionally need a day off. Sometimes an incident transpires, sometimes we get sick, and sometimes we just need a break. That last one is the focus of today, as our usual host Emily let us know she couldn’t come into work today because her apartment building lost electricity and AC, so she doesn’t want to leave her cat in that heat to fry. With that, let’s start our ranking:
The WORST Excuse: Emily’s Excuse
I mean, really? There are way too many layers to this. No power = No AC = It’s hot = The cat’ll be hot? Emily, your precious cat Lucy is not a baby in a locked car. She’s a common house cat, one of the most resilient creatures on the planet. The only reason this excuse would slide by anyone is by the good of their heart.
Car Accident
Nope. Even if you specify a minor car accident, this one is too severe. Worse than that, it’s relatable in a way people want to talk about. Michelle from accounting will hear about it and want a whole story because she got in a fender bender once in college and it’s been a defining trait of hers ever since. All of this without even mentioning that, while not easy, it’s possible your employer will go deep into finding out if this story is true.
Death Of A Loved One
A plausible but not necessarily advisable defense. This can work in a large workplace where you’re not known well by anyone, but even then it can backfire. Not only do you have to never mention this fake-dead relative of yours again, but your nosy coworker could easily verify said relative’s existence and/or aliveness.
Family Emergency
A better alternative to the last one. Its very existence implies that you don’t really want to discuss it. As long as everyone in your office interprets it as confidential, this is a mostly unprovable excuse.
Jury Duty
A high risk, high-reward option. It’s borderline uncontestable, your boss can’t prove you DIDN’T have jury duty on their own, and it’s something you can extend for multiple days if necessary. If you do get caught though, you’re in a world of crap. There’s no feigning dumb with this one, so under no circumstances do you get caught.
Car Problems
A low-risk option for a similar chance of success. While uncontestable, you might have to justify why you can’t take an Uber, and if your boss/nosy co-worker offers to buy you a taxi, you’re basically screwed. What a cruel world, accommodating you to come into the job that you agreed to do. Bastards, the lot of them!
House Emergency
An excellent option as long as you don’t overcomplicate it (like Emily did). Not only does it range from difficult to near impossible to prove, but you can act as if it was resolved after the work day, leaving no reason or ability for anyone to go check on you after work. The only problem is if they ask for pictures, but they’d be pretty annoying to do so.
Personal or Child Illness
Children are your key to the perfect excuse, but the childless can benefit as well. A very understandable and relatable alibi that few will question you for. Can be extended for multiple days, and it doesn’t even have to be that severe. Something as small as a pretend fever can be enough to scare your germaphobe boss into giving you a forced vacation. Just be sure you don’t break this one out too often, or else your vacation becomes your permanent residence.
Finally, a variation on the last one, we have our flawless excuse for nearly any obligation you are beholden to, contributed by our very own Nick:
EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA!
It’s genius, truly the work of a massively lazy intellectual giant. It’s relatable, but unlike the car accident, it’s relatable in a way that NOBODY wants to talk about, not to mention the near zero percent chance that someone will ask you for photo evidence. Better than that, your boss knows that even if they force you to come into work, you’re gonna be glued to the toilet anyway, so why bother? Sure, it’s a little embarrassing, but you have to take a small hit to make a big heist. Take notes, Emily, and try this one next time.
…Except, now that the cat’s out of the bag, I don’t think any of us in the studio can use it anymore… Maybe we won’t upload a blog post today after all.
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