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Emily’s Halloween Movie Marathon!

Emily wearing a black cat costume for Halloween last year

The spookiest month of them all is coming up, and Emily is determined to scare herself silly this year. A while back she challenged herself to watch 25 horror/Halloween movies in 25 days. Now as much as she would love to do that again, it almost killed her… and not in a fun spooky way.

 

This year she is trying something more feasible. 10 movies over the course of 4 weeks. If you can’t do the math that means that she will be watching 2 movies a week!

 

Week 4: Terrifier and Hellraiser

 

Terrifier

Main Character Hotness: 0/10 Just… no. You sick clown freaks

Boob Count: 3/10 Everyone told me that this is just a women-torture movie so I was surprised by the lack of naked women. They aren’t wrong though.

Essential October Movie Rating: 10/10 Creepy clown? Stereotypical hot women leads in costumes? Takes place on Halloween Night? This is ABSOLUTELY a Halloween Movie!

Scares: 5/10 Maybe it is because of my obsession with SAW, but the gore in this movie did not get to me. The scene with the women and the… well… private part sawing… did make me cringe.

Overall Emily Rating: 4/10 This wasn’t my favorite horror movie, but I have seen worse. I think for a low-budget movie they were saved by the actor who plays Art the Clown. His performance was chilling and awkward, which makes him a very interesting character. I was disappointed by the lack of a final girl and the overall lack of plot. There was no backstory and absolutely no reason for me to care about any of these characters. Slashers are great, but I need at least a tiny bit of a reason to care.

 

Hellraiser

Main Character Hotness: 9/10 I hate to admit how hot the creepy uncle was…

Boob Count: 3/10 I refuse to give this insanely horny movie a zero just because I never saw any physical breasts.

Essential October Movie Rating: 6/10 There are totally better themed Halloween movie options, but I see too many Pinhead costumes to not admit that this movie still works for the season.

Scares: 4/10 The effects are a bit dated, but the monsters were so much fun!

Overall Emily Rating: 7/10 I was very surprised with the themes of this movie. The flow of the story worked very well, and a woman driven to kill people because of her horniness is absolutely hilarious. Again, I can’t get over Pinhead and the rest of the spooky hell crew. Totally a good time! I would love to watch the other movies in the series later on.

 

Week 3: Phantasm and Cujo

 

Phantasm

Main Character Hotness: 5/10 Of course they had to make the brother hot. “What about the Tall Man in woman form?” you may ask. I’ll be honest… she’s not my type of seductress. BUT the Tall Man is… well… tall. I think I like that.

Boob Count: 8/10 Hooking up in a graveyard is so disgustingly cliche, but I would be lying if I said that I didn’t absolutely love it. This movie CREATED the concept, and I tip my hat to that.

Essential October Movie Rating: 9/10 The entire movie basically takes place in a graveyard. I mean come on! Can you get any more spooky?

Scares: 4/10 This movie taught me that you should always be wary of who you hook up with.

Overall Emily Rating: 3/10 Phantasm was SO LONG. The first half of the movie refused to hook me. The music was catchy, the fake boobs were fun, yellow blood was creative, and I can’t get over that they let children drive and work on cars back then. Other than that, I just don’t think I understood it. Too cheesy for me.

 

Cujo

Main Character Hotness: 6/10 MILF and DILF but the side-piece was ugly.

Boob Count: 0/10 Boobs in an animal-themed movie seems like too much. I was very happy to not see breasts.

Essential October Movie Rating: 1/10 This has nothing to do with Halloween. Gave it one star because the concept is obviously scary, but I would never watch this in a group with friends.

Scares: 7/10 I can’t deny that the concept of a rabid dog trapping me and my son in a car for days wouldn’t make me pee my pants.

Overall Emily Rating: 6/10 The problem with these older animal movies is I feel so much guilt for the actors and pets. I am too scared to really look too much into the behind-the-scenes, but from what I could tell they did use a real dog (I think there were actually 4?) for most of the movie. Sure the dog suit was cool, but I am not convinced that the animal was treated properly. The kid and mother did some amazing acting… wonder if they had any trauma from working on this movie because I sure would!

 

Week 2: Killer Klowns From Outer Space and Carrie (1976)

 

Killer Klowns From Outer Space

Main Character Hotness: 7/10 I mean this is a classic trope-y horror film… Since the content is mediocre (sorry!) they had to at least give us something to look at.

Boob Count: 5/10 Although there were no real boobs from what I can remember, the amount of old-school dirty talk was off the charts. Teens making out together in their cars at a special spot? Ice Cream trucks that were rented just to get girls? A classic love-triangle almost turned thruple? Killer Klowns has it all!

Essential October Movie Rating: 8/10 Despite my overall lack of enjoyment in this movie, this one does seem like a great film to watch with friends. No Halloween themes (besides clowns, I guess?) but man would it be fun to take an edible and watch this while chowing down on some candy corn with friends@

Scares: 0/10 Clowns make me feel nothing. Maybe if they played into the blood-sucking bendy straw thing more I would’ve felt at least a chill.

Overall Emily Rating: 4/10 I can’t say that it was the worst film that I have ever seen but it sure isn’t something that I want to watch again. Maybe I already had a bad taste in my mouth because this was the movie that scarred my childhood best friend from ever going to the circus with me? No matter what I can’t seem to give it a zero because I understand the importance of a “cult classic”; especially with an indie film that was arguably successful with such a silly premise.

 

Carrie (1976)

Main Character Hotness: 10/10 I LOVE THE 70s OH MY GOODNESS EVERYONE LOOKED AWESOME AND COOL! Even Carrie was covered in blood!!!

Boob Count: 100000/10 No one warned me about the opening scene. So here I am finally organizing a proper watch party with multiple friends and snacks and 5 minutes in they are asking me if I put on the right movie. Someone told me that the purpose of these shots was a comment on horror films and their “women gaze” but I could do with less. My friends and I all agreed that we should start a movement called #FreeTheBush.

Essential October Movie Rating: 8/10 This FELT like a classic horror movie. The suspense, the blood, the drama, the acting, and even the setting makes me want to add this film into my yearly watch rotation.

Scares: 8/10 This movie managed to scare the crap out of me. The lack of overused jump scares made the final scene perfect. And again, can we talk about the acting?! The casting for Carrie was amazing and I still have the image of her giant eyes going on a rampage burned into my brain.

Overall Emily Rating: 9/10 WOW I loved this movie so much! Even though the biggest scene was spoiled for me (and probably the rest of the world by now), I could not get enough of this film. Incredible acting, fantastic story, the visuals made me queasy, and it was so fun to watch with a group of people who have never seen it before. Of course, it has some elements from the times (why does the gym teacher love slapping women so much and huh?? Is that John Travolta!?) but for a classic horror film it still feels so relevant. P.S: I am not cheating, this won on the Instagram stories poll.

Week 1: Saw X and The Thing (1982)

 

Saw X

Main Character Hotness: 3/10 Don’t get me wrong I love Tobin Bell, but the older he gets the more he resembles my uncle which feels weird.

Boob Count: 0/10 No nudity. Bring your kids! (don’t)

Essential October Movie Rating: 4/10 I think the SAW franchise is fun to binge, but there are very few themes of Halloween in this one.

Scares: 8/10 If a vacuum eyeball-sucking trap doesn’t freak you out, you should see a therapist.

Overall Emily Rating: 8/10 I could truly talk forever about this movie. As a “SAW-head” I can say that I fully approve of this new addition to the series. It was unapologetically the most cinematic of the SAW films, and Tobin Bell finally got to show off his acting chops. Unlike the abomination that is Jigsaw, they were able to rewind time and add new content to the story seamlessly. Without spoiling anything, I can’t believe that they created a monster who is worse than John Kramer. For a SAW movie, this earns that awesome Rotten Tomatoes score!

 

The Thing (1982)

Main Character Hotness: 7/10 The main character looked like Bo Burnham at the end of his COVID-19 film, Inside. Loved it.

Boob Count: -100/10 I noticed very quickly that there were absolutely no women in this movie. That was pretty impressive, honestly.

Essential October Movie Rating: 3/10 Not much of a Halloween movie when everything takes place in the snow.

Scares: 7/10 For any of these older horror movies, I try my best to be mindful of where the genre was at the time. Luckily, I am a BIG fan of practical effects so The Thing was so impressive to me. Multiple times throughout my watch my friends and I made comments about how “gross” and “real” certain parts of the scares seem.

Overall Emily Rating: 7/10 I was very surprised at how much I enjoyed The Thing! The tension that was built, the choice of characters and their development throughout the story, the simplicity of the environment, and of course the practical effects that I loved so dearly really made this movie stand out to me. I don’t think that this will go on my shelf for a yearly re-watch mainly because once you know the ending and have seen the famous scene the magic might not be there again. Overall, I had a blast!

 

Submit your spooky thoughts to us on Twitter @CJMorganShow or text us at 512-835-1015

 

Check out her past movie reviews of the movies below!

  • Scream (1996)
  • House of a Thousand Corpses (2003)
  • Hocus Pocus (1993)
  • Friday the 13th (1980)
  • The Craft (1996)
  • Sleepaway Camp (1983)
  • Monster House (2006)
  • I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997)
  • Child’s Play (1988)
  • The Addams Family (1991)
  • Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)
  • Practical Magic (1998)
  • Scary Stories to Tell in The Dark (2019)
  • Halloweentown (1998)
  • The Exorcist (1973)
  • Trick ‘r Treat (2007)
  • The Haunted Mansion (2003)
  • Poltergeist (1982)
  • The Conjuring (2013)
  • Beetlejuice (1988)
  • Psycho (1960)
  • The Shining (1980)
  • The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)
  • Evil Dead (1981)
  • Halloween (1978)

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